Brian Eno is MORE DARK THAN SHARK

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ALL THAT YOU CAN'T LEAVE BEHIND: 'COZ YOU CAN'T GET RID OF IT!

Taking Tiger mountain I generally try to avoid saying anything negative about our hero within these pages, but now - after having been forced to sit through endless repeats of All That You Can't Leave Behind by my U2-adoring girlfriend - I have no choice but to speak up and vent my spleen in regards to Brian's latest choice of knob-twiddling duties:

Whenever I hear a U2-signature mudpie bass-and-drum rhythm kick in, I feel like my feet are nailed to the floor - Can anyone out there think of one of their tracks that you'd really want to dance to??? Give me James Brown or Motown or Fela Kuti or Bob Marley or any one of a score of others for that, not U2's slow torture...

But fortunately - for my girlfriend, that is - any chance I might entertain of nodding-off to their lard-arsed beats is immediately lost when Boingo begins his intolerable yodelling. By God, I swear that the next time I hear Bozo's whiny, bloodless voice coming out of her speakers I'm heading for the hills, sex or no sex!!!

Sure, the band are technically OK as musicians (they'd wanna be after thirty years of playing and making albums together) but Bongo's histrionic, operatic bleating is just too much. He should be singing with INXS or maybe Yes on a good day.

And if there was any justice in this world, The Sludge would be paying royalties to Keith Levene for ripping off his guitar-style - but with only 2% of his inventiveness and ferocity. If you don't believe me then listen to Poptones by PIL and then The Sludge's work on Pride as a spectacular example of how to make a sow's ear out of a silk purse. The Unforgettable Fire was fifteen-odd years ago but, on this new album, absolutely nothing has changed in that department.

Brian Eno sounds as if he's getting ready to tackle Enya next - All That You Can't Leave Behind is thickly spread with layer upon layer of smooth, syrupy timbres and tones while at the same time lacking the surprises and beautiful tangents for which his best work is known and loved.

I've listened to Eno's music for a long time and although I tend to prefer the earlier 'rock' albums, I love his ambient stuff, too, as well as a lot of his collaborations and productions. Hell, I've even grown to like Viva La Vida!

However, for the life of me I can't figure out a reason for Eno having anything to do with these outstanding purveyors of aural crud - apart from a massive pay-cheque, of course. Not that there's anything wrong with what he's doing - it's only a pop album, after all, and he has his bills to pay, as do U2. But surely he made enough from producing The Unforgettable Fire (I forgot it as quickly as possible) and The Joshua Tree (the less said about Grammy Awards, the better) to leave them behind as a bad joke.

At their best I can take U2 in small doses. But Desire and Helter Skelter, and maybe Angel Of Harlem (although Bonehead unconsciously does his best on that one to sound like one of The Commitments) are amongst the very few songs of their entire career I would ever bother actively listening to again - and all were produced by Jimmy Iovine, not Eno.

But at their worst (which is 98% of the time), they are amongst the most overblown, pompous and tedious stadium-rock bands in existence.

I can't listen to them - not while Blotto keeps his mouth open, anyway. And I can't dance to them, not even if I turn the volume up to 10 - which is what I do with all my worst CDs because at that decibel-level all you hear is a distorted, rhythmic, disco-type BOOM-BOOM-BOOM - because even then U2 still manage to sound horrible!

There, I said it! Now I can take my happy-pill and go back to the pleasures of my Celine Dion collection and a glass of sweet sherry. Nighty-night, all.

Track Listing: Beautiful Day / Stuck in a Moment You Can't Get Out Of / Elevation / Walk On / Kite / In a Little While / Wild Honey / Peace on Earth / When I Look at the World / New York / Grace

All lyrics written by Bono and The Edge / All music composed by U2

Produced by Brian Eno and Daniel Lanois

Personnel: Bono - lead vocals, guitar / The Edge - guitar, keyboards, vocals / Adam Clayton - bass guitar / Larry Mullen, Jr. - drums

Selected Reviews: KING ALFRED IN REVERSE by James McNair / Mojo DECEMBER 2000 - RATTLE AND HUM: PERUSING THE U2 CATALOG by Jim DeRogatis / Chicago Sun-Times MAY 2001 - HOW TO BUY... U2 by Danny Eccleston / Mojo MAY 2007